Whether you're a mom to an angel child or an earth side baby - I've experienced both.
We got married at the end of June and come mid August, we saw our first faint positive pregnancy test line. We were ecstatic. But only for a short week. Our first angel went to Heaven early and Avery and I hit a new low together that we never imagined we'd experience. We saw a gap missing in our newly built lives together and knew that no matter how many other little kiddos we had, there would always be one missing earth side.
Those following weeks were rough for me; wrestling with the term "mom". Was I one? Am I SURE we saw a faint positive? Was I REALLY pregnant? Could I call myself a mom if I had no lasting physical proof of said child?
Through grace and peace only God can give, He showed me time and time again that I now knew motherhood. That it was another title of mine and I could claim it confidently. Reminding myself that we are a BODY of believers both here on earth and in heaven and our first little one is still connected to us as a result. How beautiful. I found my peace in that and carried the name "mama" deep in my heart.
If you're reading this and can relate at all - know that you too are a mom. You too experienced motherhood and now know what it feels like to love another that is so small and so helpless and vulnerable. You know the love for your child and that child whether in heaven or earth side is exactly that - yours. A part of you forever. Quite literally to be honest. Because some of every child's cells stay with the mother for the rest of her life. God's design is so perfect and you can find peace in knowing He desires good for you. And motherhood, whether a mere 7 weeks or 60 years - is always good.
Come November, we saw our second positive test and again, were ecstatic. You see, Avery and I have wanted kids since we knew what being a parent was. We've wanted kids our whole lives and when we found and married each other, we couldn't wait to start. But I was anxious and nervous. I only knew loss when it came to pregnancy. And I began to focus on it. I was restless, unhappy, nervous, overly analyzing everything, and quite honestly driving myself to insanity. I was miserable all for the sake of fear and desire for control.
Until again, I was reminded; God desires good for me and He KNOWS the desires of Avery and I's hearts. To be fruitful in marriage is a part of the plan He designed. Why won't I just trust Him? After all, this child isn't only ours, it's His even more so. And where there is God, there is peace. So once again, peace override the anxiety and sadness.
We're now 17 weeks into this pregnancy with baby girl and couldn't feel more excited and grateful to be her parents every single day. We go one day at a time and every night we thank God for her little life.
Being a young 22 year old mama that's only been married for 8 months has come with some hurdles though, and lots of attacks from the devil; "you're throwing your life away", "you should've enjoyed each other more first", "I can't believe you're already pregnant". To hear these things when you're pregnant for the second time after a loss is even worse because this little babe is a miracle rainbow baby. A gift that holds even more weight than before.
It's extremely easy to become overwhelmed by the unending "advice" from moms about everything under the sun. It's easy to feel uneducated, inadequate, incapable, and "too young". It's easy to feel alone and judged. Because guess what girlfriend, not only does the devil hate women, but he especially hates pregnant women. He hates new life. So now you're under attack overtime.
But you can choose to overcome it. And if I can offer any advice at 17 weeks it would be this: give it to Him. The worries and fears but also the control. Trust that you, as a woman, and mother, have everything you already need to love, nurture, and raise this little life because God designed us women to do so. Trust that God gave this little life to you because this little life needs YOU and no one else. Rest in the fact that HE is the creator and master of all life. And rejoice in the newfound freedom you gain from the surrender of it all.
Motherhood and pregnancy have been much more mental and spiritual than anything for me. And peace has only been found in one place every-time - His presence and love as our Heavenly Father. So be with Him. Invite Him into your mess and I promise you'll be renewed in strength, energy, and joy.